ZED'S "DEAR LIBRARIAN" LETTER
From: The Librarian
Subject: ZED'S "DEAR LIBRARIAN" LETTER
Date: 1998/04/09
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Well, I spent *hours* getting ready for my movie date with Zed. I got my
hair done, I got my nails done, I went to the mall and just maxxed *out* on
my ARSCC Minton-Card, getting the cutest little slinky-but-oh-so-tailored
*designer* number I could find--navy blue--plus matching garters, silk
hose, and paisley silk--well, *things*--that were just *about* big enough
to show one whole paisley.
I rushed home and bubble-bathed, then slinked into all my soft, fragrant
new *things*, spritzed myself with perfume, stepped into a pair of
navy-and-white heeled spectators, and, with heart *pounding*, sped off in
my car to the ARSCC Chemerical Library, arriving just as the town hall
clock was beginning to chime.
I parked (halfway out in the street--hoping Sheriff Ron doesn't ticket
me!), grabbed my beaded bag, wiggled my way up the stairs (*you* try it in
heels and a skirt tighter than shrink wrap!), and walked rapidly across the
library, making loud clicking echoes. I reached the A/V room door--and
pulled up short with a sharp intake of breath.
Taped to the door with Post-It[tm] tape was a print-out from a.r.s. I
quickly flipped to the last page and saw the signature:
>Zed
The chill of air-conditioning met me as I swung open the A/V room door,
then, with a chill of my own, I flipped back to what I *thought* I had seen
on the first page, and, indeed, saw it again as I sank dejectedly into the
plush red velvet of one of the veiwing chairs. There it was:
>Dearest Librarian,
Ahhggh! How my heart *wrenched* at those words! I knew what had to be
coming next:
>it pains me to have to write this post, but I'm afraid that I
>have come to my own conclusions about the matter of CST and the
>alteration of Hubbard's scriptures. What I have found has led me
>to conclusions which sharply differ from the ones that the
>Public Research Foundation is hinting at.
My long-lashed eyes blinking back welling tears in disbelief and confusion,
I privately wondered what the flaming hell the Public Research Foundation
had to do with Zed and me. I read on:
>I really _do_ love you for your mind...
Oh, I am *so* sure! None of us has ever heard *that* one before, have we,
girls?
>...but I am not going to let that distort my opinions, or colour
>my judgement.
Well, you haven't seen these *paisley* things I'm wearing, either...A-hem.
I brushed away blurring tears and read on.
>And so I must take issue with this post.
Then Zed did what so many men do best--threw a girl's own words back at
her. They were just my intimate recollections about a fun time we'd had
together, and they aren't important. The only thing that was important in
what I had said to Zed was the only thing *ever* important when I carry on:
HARD FACTS! At least he had the decency to quote those--the differing
definitions of "Scientology" and "the Scientology Religion" that are found
in the booklet that IRS sent out:
>>
>> "Scientology is an applied religious philosophy. Its goal
>> is to bring an individual to an understanding of himself
>> and his life as a spiritual being and in relationship to
>> the universe as a whole.
>> "The Scientology religion is based exclusively upon
>> L. Ron Hubbard's research, writings and recorded
>> lectures."
>>
Zed's "Dear Librarian" letter went on to take my heart apart, one painful
piece at a time as I sat there, all dressed up and alone, in the semi-dark
silence of the lonely ARSCC Chemerical Library A/V room:
First, I find out just how *much* Zed loves me for my mind:
ZED, REGARDING THE BOOKLET, "A DESCRIPTION OF THE SCIENTOLOGY RELIGION":
>Yes, the speculation about the author's identity is one of those
>little opinions [you] like to pepper through your posts.
My hand goes to my mouth in disbelief! Well, that will teach *me* to ever
again open my full, moist lips and let an *opinion* slip out! Just like on
Dragnet, these men want "Just the facts, ma'am. Just the facts." I open my
beaded bag and retrieve a perfumed linen-and-lace hanky my mom gave me, and
try to staunch my streaking mascara as I read more:
ZED:
>I think I should emphasise which Scientology entity it was that
>the IRS says they made the agreement with: Church of Scientology
>International.
I leap from my seat and begin to pace the short aisle, arms crossed, lips
pouting, brows furrowed.
ME, SOLILOQUIZING TO THE EMPTY SEATS:
And if you were here, Zed, I would swat your *bottom* and *emphasize* that
this only proves that IRS lies like an OSA doormat, too! When IRS said
that, *they* didn't know the Secret Agreement was going to be leaked,
either! *Here* is who they *really* made the agreement with--no matter
*what* lies they issued!
DAVID MISCAVIGE,
Individual Member of CTCC
NORMAN F. STARKEY,
Individual Member of CTCC
MARK RATHBUN,
Individual Member of CTCC
HEBER JENTZSCH,
Individual Member of CTCC
MARC YAGER,
Chairman, WatchDog Committee,
At-Large Member of CTCC
JONATHAN EPSTEIN,
International Finance Director,
At-Large Member of CTCC
NIGEL OAKES,
Chief Accountant International,
At-Large Member of CTCC
RELIGIOUS TECHNOLOGY CENTER
By: [Signature]
Mark Rathbun
Title: President
CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY <---Oh, yeah: this is *all* they
INTERNATIONAL made the agreement with.
By: [Signature] Right. Mm-hm. Sure.
Heber Jentzsch
Title: President
CHURCH OF SPIRITUAL TECHNOLOGY
By: [Signature] <---Why, it's darling little Monique!
Title: POA
CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY FLAG
SERVICE ORGANIZATION, INC.
By: [Signature]
Title: POA
CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY
WESTERN UNITED STATES
By: [Signature]
Title: POA
BUILDING MANAGEMENT SERVICES
By: [Signature]
Title: POA
CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY
RELIGIOUS TRUST
By: [Signature]
Title: POA
I sink back into a seat, snatch up the letter again, and discover that Zed
wanted to make me eat more of my words, quoting me:
MY EARLIER MUSINGS:
>>So the "Scientology religion" doesn't have to *BE* L. Ron
>>Hubbard's research, writing, or recorded lectures at
>>all; it just has to be "based upon" those. That means that
>>Sherman Lenske and his cronies at CST--who own *ALL* the
>>copyrights--now have official IRS approval (since the IRS
>>contractually endorsed this "Description of the Scientology
>>Religion") to sell *ANYTHING THEY WANT TO SELL* as "the
>>Scientology religion," as long as it has *some* connection to
>>Hubbard's work.
Well, there I go with another weak, female effort at *thinking!*
Bang-Bang, Zed shot me down:
ZED:
>True, but this has little significance to someone who isn't a
>Scientologist.
To my air-headed mind, there's the trivial little matter of *fraud* to the
tune of possible ga-*zillions* of dollars, no matter *who* is buying the
works. But, after all, I'm just a *girl*!
ZED:
>Of course, it's fairly obvious that Hubbard's _are_ being
>altered with the full knowledge of both CST and CSI, and
>probably RTC as well. There's some funny-business going on here,
>but establishing the "Scientology religion" as an altered
>version of "real" "Scientology" is not the reason for it, IMHO.
Well, that other "reason for it," then, has managed to escape me, and Zed
doesn't bother to proffer it. Of course, me, I just twirl my hair, chew my
gum, and draw silly, airy conclusions, which is why I should stick to HARD
FACTS, and leave the conclusions and opinions to those who know how to
*think.* Of course one of the HARD FACTS I was going to offer Zed
tonight--here, just the two of us--is this odd little piece of paper that
I'm waving in my hand.
But I'm sure it means nothing. Maybe I should just wad it up and
throw it away, with Zed's "Dear Librarian" letter. Yes, I guess that's what
I really ought to do. Or should I?
Nope! I couldn't do it! I realized that even if Zed didn't want it, maybe
somebody *else* could use it, so here it is. But first some background:
The film I was going to watch with Zed was "Orientation." But really,
*anybody* can go see that at *any* Scientology org or mission. And I think
it's just meaningless drivel anyway. (Oops! Opinion alert!
Dah-dee-dah-dee-dah!) Well, the HARD FACT I had to pass along is this
little "Attestation" that comes with the film. You see, it has
recently come to pass that NOBODY can start ANY Scientology service anymore
without seeing this film, and SIGNING AN ATTESTATION saying that they have
seen it. That means EVERY person, old or new, at ANY Scientology
organization HAS to sign one of these "Attestations."
Here is the text of it:
"Attestation
"I have seen the film 'Orientation' and I am now informed and
aware that SCIENTOLOGY is a religion, its teachings are
religious and its claims are religious in nature. I further
understand that if I desire to participate in SCIENTOLOGY
services I do so being fully aware that these are religious
services and that I am participating in them under the
ecclesiastical principles of the SCIENTOLOGY RELIGION."
Every person must sign and date one before they can do *anything* in a
Scientology organization. HARD FACT.
Now, I know this *exact* wording is of no real importance--just my
overblown imagination make me think it might be.
And, of course, the fact that this was implemented *after* the secret IRS
agreement was signed is, also, of no *actual* consequence. Right?
But, for the life of me, I can't figure this part out. You see, there was a
little "'Orientation' Staff Briefing Booklet" sent out with this film. The
booklet describes all the details for presenting the film, including strict
instructions about making *everybody* sign an "Attestation." But the
*public* is not supposed to *see* this fascinating little booklet. (So you
just *know* that I have a copy here in the ARSCC Chimerical Library! I
mean, that's what I get *paid* for, isn't it?) Annywa-a-a-ayz, here are a
few of the weird things that booklet says:
REGARDING THE SIGNING OF THE ATTESTATION:
"No one who has seen this film can thereafter claim that he
was not fully informed of these legal facts."
And then it says:
"These legal aspects of 'Orientation' are not to be stressed
however in communication to the public."
So there are the HARD FACTS. Somebody smarter than *me*
will have to figure out why it was so important to *sneakily* make
*EVERYBODY* sign a *legally binding agreement* that they are participating
"under the ecclesiastical principles of the SCIENTOLOGY RELIGION."
I mean, just because "the Scientology Religion" is defined in the
IRS/Scientology bookelet--"Description of the Scientology Religion"--as
being "based...upon L. Ron Hubbard's research, writings and recorded
lectures," I'm, like, *sure* this has nothing to do with the *coincidence*
that bogus, altered works are being created that are "based upon" L. Ron
Hubbard's works (but altered), and are THE ONLY WORKS CURRENTLY BEING SOLD
to Scientologists and non-Scientologists alike.
I know there's a simple, logical, reasonable explanation for all these
coincidences, but--Gosh! I mean, I've got *nails* to do, and *delicates* to
hand-wash, and important things like that which girls like me are actually
*qualified* for.
So if you're out there anywhere, Zed, there are the facts; use them as you
will.
As I gaze for one last time down the last page of Zed's "Dear Librarian"
letter, my eyes *do* blur again, though, and I read where Zed haunted me
with my own words, my own eager invitation:
ME TO ZED:
>>You *will* come--won't you?
And I read for the last time Zed's reply:
>
>I'm curious, but I'm not sure if we'll still be on speaking
>terms after this. We'll see.
>
>Zed
>
If that *is* the case, then good-bye. my dear, sweet, smart Zed. I won't
forget the cloakroom, or the New Year's decorations, or the fun we had. But
a girl's got to know when to cut her losses and walk away without looking
back.
Don't feel bad; you're not the only one: When I invited Simon5 to a
"Stump-the-Librarian" challenge on "The Missing Ten Months," he practically
ran screaming out of the ARSCC Chimerical Library. Not only that, but
*nobody* took me up on my challenge (and it was a *strip* challenge, too!
Sheesh!)
Even Sheriff Ron seems to have found some *other* library where he goes to
do research on articles about Scientology.
(You know, a girl could get a complex! I mean, I may soon find myself
starting to watch *Ellen* regularly if *this* keeps up!)
Well, it's time to turn out the lights and lock up. All dressed up, and the
only place to go is home.
Could it be that when I lock up the ARSCC Chimerical Library tonight, it
will be for the last time? It makes me sad to think so. But maybe I've done
all I can do.
And others, more qualified than I, are able to examine and evaluate these
strange and perplexing facts before us.
Lights out. And a sweet kiss to all. Good night, ARSCC.
--
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*The ARSCC, like its Librarian, does not exist.
